so go on, if this will make you happier, it got you this far, do what you have to.

guster. man this was a wierd weekend. so good and so bad and so hazy and hard. not hazy as in i can't remember wha ti did i was so wasted hazy but in hazy as in evaluating myself and how much i hate myself hazy.

one more itch you son of a bitch been wasting my time always and now you're half awake you bend til you break always you make the same mistakes always

so this is the last entry for this. i am officially ending it. yes i am breaking up with the voices in my head. hahaha. and you. (to anyone who reads this), (which no one does) september fifth. the day my xanga died.

or atleast the day this one did.

yes i am running. away again. because there is nothing left for me here. i want. i need so much more than this.

now i am talking about something different again.

plus i am not leaving a trail. or i am. but this is where i leave it. abandoning it. like you. and me. letting go.

starting over. ...

like a break in the song. a new song. new background music. for life. and i am following it.

following the melody. follow the melody.

catch me if you can.

wow, reading my last entry seems like so long ago.

i like listening to jimmy eat late at night, i don't know why, it's got this haunting quality that mirrors my thoughts i think.

i think i might abandon this thing soon. no use in leaving a trail.

so the monte cristo was good. haha stock fell asleep in my lap. or rather with his legs in my lap. i like being friends with him. remind me: must get a picture of us before i go. and west too i like him.

again, i shalla sk you this once again. he said: i am but one small instrument.

going back soon. so happy but so sad. afraid? things will change? i don't know. scared maybe, but so excited.

chills.

new goal: be friends with guys. be satisfied with friendship. stop thinking about everything sexually. don't turn it into a samantha situation. i am comfortable 9or i think i am comfortable) with the sexual element. because i am comfortable with flirting. i need ot be satisfied with friendship period. that is the best way for things to work out anyway.

i don't wanna pack. i don't like change. thats jsut the way i am i guess, whatever's in front of me is priority number one until something else comes in front of me. and then that's priority number one.

maybe i just need to learn how to remember

or believe

dr. z would say i am present focused. not future focused, tho more so than past focused. or maybe not. i am immediately focused. i am obsessed with whats in front of me.

may angels lead you in, hear you me my friends, on sleepless roads the sleepless go, may angels lead you in, so what would you think of me now, so lucky, so strong, so proud, i never said thank you for that, now i'll never have a chance.

i can see the rims of my glasses. they look so far away. so blurry. but i can see right through them. i wish i didn't make mom cry. i wish i could be better for her. i need to call danny.

now as i drive back, that;s thirty six less hours i have to change the course i set myself. live with that live with that. haze clears from your eyes on a sunday. the haze clears from your eyes. on a sunday. on a sunday.

its september. 1. 13 days left. 13. what a number.

on a sunday go once around. cuz when the ride's done the hopes that you have carried they fall back from your hands back to the ground live with that live with that they fall out from your hands onto the ground baby live with that live with that. the haze clears from your eyes. on a sunday. on a sunday.

one day i'll be able to write that myself. til then, ig uess its just my babbling. i wish ihad self esteem. kept me from going tongiht. no use in torturing myself with USC sorority girls.

learn as you lose. ahead you win. the haze clears from your eyes.

it woulda been. nice to see k and t tho. next week it will be. better. too much time to myself tho i think. too much time to think i have it all together and daily watch that illusion deflate. its like one of thsoe inflatable things you see outside of restuarants ... that person... that looks like its doing the wave. up and down. up and down. illusion and reality. air and deflate. in and out. in and out.

shouldn't ahve had it for dinner now should have I?

haha.

see everything is connected. everything.

where givin up gets you. and where givin up takes you.

i've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots that my tongue was tied off my brain's repeating if you got an impulse let it out but they never make it past my mouth

this si the sound of settling

our youth is fleeting old age is just around the bend, i can't wait to go gray, i'll sit and wonder of levery love that could have been  if i only would have thought of something charming to say

i cannot stand another fucking minute of her. ice princess megabitch. the worst part is her own parents think that. which is terrible. she acts so innocent right now, but thank god i think she actually recognies she is the biggest bitch alive. the only reason i'm even agreeing to turn down the music is because i don't mind listening to the bible: i.e.: sex and the city.

this is why i chose my family: my friends. even though right now it doesn't feel like i have much. i have great friends, wonderful wonderful friends, sometimes i just feel a little distant from them. a little. i am scared to go back to paradise: i.e.-stanny, and have things be different. but i am trusting in the wonderfulness of the place and hoping to find the family i found last time. or one even better.

how come i got the ugly guy? i don't know. he wasn't UgLY! just not good looking and very short. but nice. one of the nicest when dealing with the situation. terrible terrible situation. funny. but terrible. thank god we had kelly's to go to. can't decide whether im going back on tuesday. if i do, i should bring cookies or something. but wherw would i get them. i couldn't make them. not here. maybe buying diddy reese. that would be non expensive and good.

man this weekend was fun tho. usc was even fun. everythin cept for the puke on the pants part. and then sd. wonderful. so nice to be able to talk about stanford. all the time. haha. made me so homesick. but so happy. i love hanging out with annie and dickie and ben and adri so fun.

i am happy with life. i need to learn to be content. . witht he frat. with the family. with life. with wherever i happen to be.

bumm bummmmmmm this is the sound of settling. bum bummmm bumm bummmmmm.

i need to get out of here.

i need something to do. this house is bad.... if i am not drunk or abusing some kinna substance, then i don't even like it.

i am so tired of stock looking right THROUGH me. looking at his computer instead.

i don't want to hear about san diego girl. the less cruel thing would be to pretend she doesn't exist. the easier thing, for me.

always about me. damn i am selfish. things to work on: be more giving, more patient, higher self esteem, work out, eat less, pray more, like a guy sober.

seriously (it always come sback to guys huh, oh well its a fucking xanga...its like being in my head, everyhting i write about is about me or a guy) i can't t;ell you (my exotic taste escape) when was the last time i liked a guy sober. maybe josh? i did like him. i loved him. but i loved what he represented more i think. i want to be turned on by a guy's personality. i want him to make me laugh. and to banter with me. someone who likes smartasses. hahah. i want him to be ambitious, nd fiery and WANT something out of life. WORK at something. i want him not to settle. i want him not to settle for me. i want him to be a friend first. i want him to remember the details about me. i want to like him sober, and not hafta get drunk to make out with him (josh). i want to FEEL something SOBER. feel ... something

thats not self dissappointment

i used to do anything to feel. i used to BLEED just to make shure i was alive. i don't do that anymore. i don't need to rip at myself to know i'm here. i just WANT to. i want to feel...to care about something.

anything.

i want to actually care, instead of being numb.

not anything.

something i care about.

i shouldn't have gotten drunk tongiht.

what a convo. atleast he was man enough to talk about it. pisses me off he is on the phone with her right now.

i should never hook up with him again. i don't think i will. i don't think i should. but i know he is down for it and he is so good, but no. i am better than that. laura's little phrase i just need to keep telling myself that.

irvin;s here. what a small dick he has.

hahah that made me feel better for some sadistic reason.

josh's dick is CURVED UP. he called this morning. i am a bad person, but its true. he called and tried to make me feel like shit, but he didn't. i wanna be happy. i am. i think. i wish i could be. i don't know anything anymore. i don't wanna be pat's lil slut. no more. shit. nothign. i wanna go back home to stanny.

neurrottica: you did good.

can't even say how much that means. i hope she meant it. i tried so ahrd. i need kari's opinion to be good. of me. that didn't even make sense but its the best i can do. sigh. i should go back out there. so he can't win. going back out.